


Friends and Lovers

by Helen8462



Series: Excalibur [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action, Drama, Eternal Tide, F/M, Friendship, Full Circle Fleet Vessels, Relaunch, Technobabble, non-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 04:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10482510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helen8462/pseuds/Helen8462
Summary: Cpt. Helen Andris has joined the Full Circle Fleet. Old relationships will be tested and new ones forged in the wake of unforeseeable circumstances.  2nd of Excalibur Series.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Set immediately following the events in Kirsten Beyer's novel "Eternal Tide" (the one where Janeway is resurrected). 
> 
> Moonshine Recap: Chakotay went back to Earth a year after Kathryn's death to ask an old friend (and ex-Starfleet captain), Helen Andris, to return to duty with the Full Circle fleet. Chakotay learns that Helen left service when her lover died under her command. He also finds out that Janeway was the one she tendered her resignation to.

 

* * *

 

_"To our wives and our lovers…...may they never meet." -Old Irish Toast_

* * *

**Voyager - 2 Months Ago**

"Welcome to Voyager, Captain." Chakotay smiled broadly as Captain Helen Andris stepped down off the transporter pad. They shook hands, embraced lightly and then stepped apart. Though they had met again only days ago after years apart, Chakotay appreciated the effortlessness in which their friendship seemed to resume.

"Nice Transporter Room," she said, looking around. "It's bigger than my bridge."

"Wait till you see the bridge, it's bigger than your ship." Chakotay quipped back.

"Size isn't everything, Captain." She winked, then turned her attention to the other officer in the room. "You must be Commander Paris."

"Yes Ma'am."

Tom Paris politely shook her outstretched hand. She was, he thought, an attractive woman. Her gentle features framed by shoulder-length brown wavy hair. The hair, of course, had been appropriately tied back in a simple ponytail. He was instantly at ease and could tell why Chakotay had been talking about her for the last three days. The back of his mind played out a scenario where she and Chakotay had been more than just the 'good friends' he swore they were.

Andris broke his train of thought. "I've heard stories about you from your father, Commander. He was a good man. I'm very sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," Paris replied.

Andris restarted cheerfully. "So, Who's going to show me the rest of this boat?"

Chakotay nodded to Paris. "I'm going to leave your tour to my very capable first officer. I have some business to attend to, but I'll meet up with you later for lunch."

"I'll be there," Andris patted Chakotay on the back and he left the room.

Andris turned to Paris. "Chakotay called you 'capable'. Was he referring to your abilities as an officer or as a tour guide?"

"Beats me. I got lost on my way to the infirmary the other day," Paris replied, guiding her out the door and into the hallway.

They walked a while, peaking in here and there until Andris had seen all she wanted to. And soon they were on their way to the mess hall where Chakotay would be waiting.

"I'd like to arrange for my crew to have leave on the other fleet vessels when proximity and missions permit. I'll have my first officer contact you when we are settled in the Delta Quadrant. As you probably know, Excalibur is extremely tight on space."

"I do know," Paris replied. "Actually I've been studying the specs since I learned we were adding a Defiant-class to the fleet."

"I bet you have."

Tom stopped walking for a moment. "Actually, ma'am, I've been meaning to ask you…."

"If you can take her for a spin?"

Paris raised an eyebrow. "How did you know?"

Andris shrugged. "Not hard to figure out. You're a pilot right? And Excalibur is a thing of maneuverable, tactical beauty." She put an arm around his shoulder as they resumed walking. "Actually, I came prepared to make a deal with you."

"Oh?" he asked.

"I hear you're good with holoprograms. Make one for me and once I've put Excalibur through her paces, you can have a turn."

Tom Paris extended his hand. "It's a deal."


	2. Chapter 2

**Voyager - Present Day**

Sawdust was thick in the air of a room that closely resembled Captain Helen Andris's actual woodshop. A woodshop that she had left behind on Earth just two months ago at the request of a friend. She didn't blame him for the fact that the floor wasn't quite paint-splotched enough, the lights a little too bright, or that the miter saw was exactly square and not about 0.2 degrees off like the one she left behind. She didn't even blame him for interrupting the fragile peace she had finally made regarding the death of her lover. In that moment, the only thing she really blamed him for was intruding on her alone time.

She heard the holodeck doors swish open but she was concentrating. Building little pieces of furniture was delicate work. If she didn't clamp the rocking chair just right, the doll might not fit and that simply would not do.

Finally satisfied that the glue would set properly, she wiped her hands on her apron and turned to face who she could only assume would be Captain Chakotay. She assumed incorrectly.

"Counselor," she said, surprised. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" Counselor Hugh Cambridge was leaning against her table saw, a strange smirk on his face.

"Do you always spend your free time covered in dust and adhesive, Captain?"

"As much of it as I possibly can," she smiled.

"What are you making?"

"A dollhouse. Why? You want one?"

"Maybe. Do they have a little bar in there?" he asked.

Andris chuckled and took off her apron. "So really, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. I was actually coming by to avail you of my services, should they be required."

Andris raised an eyebrow. "And, what exactly would make you think that I would be in need of your services?"

"In light of recent developments, many of the crew have needed a sounding board. I figure you're probably near the top of that list."

"You're talking about the loss of our ships and people."

He stared silently back at her with a look that said 'you tell me.'

She sighed. "We just lost four fleet vessels and hundreds of good officers. My own was about ten seconds from the center of that Omega disaster, but by no doing of mine, was spared. I feel survivor's guilt. And I feel culpable that my little ship, sent here to protect the others, failed miserably."

"Mmmmm…..yes. But, no," he replied. "Try again."

Andris thought a moment. "Admiral Janeway's miraculous resurrection?"

"Yes ma'am."

Andris's face betrayed confusion. "I think it's wonderful that she's alright. And that she saved all of our asses. Why would I have issue with that?"

Cambridge simply looked at her. She hated it when he looked at her like that. Over the course of their Starfleet-mandated sessions she had learned that when he glared as he did now he was expecting her to answer her own question.

"Let's skip the pretext Counselor. I only have an hour until the briefing and I need to finish the roof."

"Who's it for?"

Andris sighed, this conversation was going nowhere fast. "Miral Paris," she answered.

"I didn't know you knew her."

"I don't," she replied. "But I knew her grandfather. Her father designed this holo-program, and I like making toys. Seeing as she's the only child out here it stands to reason…."

"Dollhouse."

"Bingo."

He stared at her again. She released an annoyed, but tempered sigh. "Fine. I get it. I want my free time back I have to self-diagnose."

He nodded.

Andris thought a moment, then began again. "Admiral Janeway died a horrible death fourteen months ago leaving a friend reeling. That friend and I have whittled away too many hours commiserating on our shared loss of love and happiness at the hands of Starfleet. And now, by some miracle that I can't even begin to understand, he gets her back and I'm still alone."

"And?"

She paused. "And, if it weren't for her death, I probably wouldn't have agreed to come back in the first place. I'd still be in my actual woodshop, happily ignorant of the current status of the Delta Quadrant."

"As you say, Bingo."

"But, if I were still on Earth, I would miss the opportunity to share in the joy of one of my oldest friends." She put her hand across her chest. "A friend I intend to congratulate with my whole heart in an hour. So, I say again, your services are not needed here."

Cambridge waited.

_There's no way he knows about my other source of guilt,_ she thought. _Don't even go there._

She was becoming annoyed. "Can you leave now?"

"I can, and I will. And you know where to find me." The counselor turned heel but paused before leaving. "That was actually a fairly impressive self-diagnosis, Captain. Maybe I should recommend industrial arts to more of my patients." Then, he walked out of the holodeck.

Andris grumbled, picked up a board and started sanding. But she no longer enjoyed it.

* * *

Chakotay caught Andris's eye as Admiral Janeway dismissed the room. "A moment?" He mouthed, across the table. She had been politely avoiding eye contact through the meeting but had indeed wished to speak with him privately.

The collective senior staffs from the other fleet vessels left the large conference room in an orderly fashion. They had all just been formally briefed on Admiral Janeway's situation and her role in the events of the last several days. Andris hung back, waiting for the doors to close.

"Chakotay, I'm so….so very happy for you," she said genuinely once they were alone.

Chakotay bowed his head trying to contain the glowing smile that emanated from every fiber of his being since Kathryn's reincarnation by Q and Kes just four days ago. "Yes, it really is wonderful." His enthusiasm tempered only by the knowledge that his friend would never see this kind of resolution to her loss.

"I can see what's running through your head. You feel guilty don't you?" She asked. "Because in the midst of all this death and destruction you've been given a second chance that the rest of us can't even dare to dream about."

"Have you been talking with Hugh?"

"Please, don't do the guilt thing. Just do us all proud and don't waste a single moment with her."

Chakotay nodded his head, then grew eerily serious. "I have to tell her."

"Ah, that." Andris sighed. "Yes. Yes I suppose you do."

"We're having dinner tonight," he sighed. "I'm not sure how…." Chakotay ran a tense hand through his hair.

Andris placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "She needs to know. Not just what happened, but why." She could tell her words weren't doing anything to help his dilemma. "There was no way you could have predicted this….event.  And she really doesn't have the right to judge you too harshly."

"It's not her judgement of me that I'm worried about."

"I can take care of myself," Andris assured.

"I was going to leave your name out of the conversation."

"I appreciate it, but that's not necessary. I accept responsibility for my actions, Chakotay."

He held a hand up to dismiss her line of thinking. "I don't want to…I can't hurt her. Not after everything she's been through." Andris thought for a moment he might actually cry.

"I'm afraid that if you choose to tell her, which you will because you're a good and honorable man, hurting her is inevitable. But if she's half the woman you make her out to be, she will forgive you. It may take time, but you will make it. As for tonight, take a long walk. The words will come."

Her suggestion was kind and just the thing Chakotay expected her to say. "You know I'm always here for you, but this may be the one instance when I need to just stay away." She turned toward the door but paused before leaving. "I'm sorry that I can't help you more my friend."

As the doors to the conference room hissed closed behind her, a single thought flickered. _Or maybe I can….._

Chakotay's mind, however, went back to that evening a month ago.

* * *

"Dinner was delicious, thank you." 

"My pleasure, I'm glad you enjoyed it." Chakotay motioned to the sofa, its back to the twinkling stars.

Helen relaxed into the cushions, cradling her glass of wine and swirling it gently. "It was thoughtful of you to remember what today meant to me."

Chakotay glanced towards the floor. "I didn't want you to be alone. I know it's hard."

"Yes. Yes it is," Helen whispered back.

She pulled herself a little more upright. "But… I'm tired of dwelling on the past. I need to learn to live more in the present. Like I was doing when you found me on Earth."

Helen drew a contemplative sip from her wine glass. "You used to be pretty good at living in the moment, as I recall. Any tips?"

Chakotay shrugged. "A long time ago, maybe. Life on Voyager was always so intense. It was hard to carve out a space to just…be." He caught himself staring at the bottom of his own glass, as if waiting for something to emerge from the few drops that were left.

"We had a lot of fun once, you and I," Helen sighed.  "When did things turn so serious?"

"Part of growing older, I suppose."

"And losing people."  A somber silence hung in the room then Helen moved to place a gentle hand on his knee.  "Chakotay, I just want you to know, in case tomorrow never comes.  I have always loved and respected you in a way that's hard to describe. You're a truly wonderful person."

Chakotay smiled coyly. "Are you breaking up with me?"

Helen laughed. "Yes, I love you. And that's why I have to kill you."

Chakotay shook his head, chuckling and got up to refill their wine glasses. He set the second empty bottle with the first and when he returned, sat a little closer to her. "I care an awful lot about you too, Hells." He put a comforting arm around her shoulder and she smiled at the nickname she hadn't heard in far too long.

She sighed and relaxed into his embrace. "I miss…. This."

"Hmm?" He asked gently.

"Just, being close with someone. Feeling another person's warmth."

Chakotay nodded silently.

Maybe it was the wine, or the late hour. Or perhaps a combination of the two co-mingled with the warmth and strength of his touch, Helen couldn't be sure. But a thought sparked from somewhere deep inside and she found herself powerless to silence it.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"You know, we're both very lonely people."

"Are we still wallowing or are you going somewhere with this?"

Helen ignored his flippant remark. "I'm not in love with you. And neither of us wants anything serious right now, or possibly ever again." Chakotay nodded his head in complete understanding.

"So I'm going to put it out there. We're consenting adults. We have our priorities in order. And I don't think there is any reason that we can't - that we shouldn't - enjoy each other's company. In any, and all meanings of the phrase." She let the words sink in.

Chakotay took another long drink from his wine glass. Though he wasn't exactly surprised at her proposal, actually hearing her say it was something else altogether.

Helen waited a few moments and then stood and placed a hand on his still seated shoulder. The ball was firmly in his court but she didn't want him to feel pressured. Their friendship would remain, regardless of the outcome of her statement. "Thank you for distracting me today Chakotay. You're a good man."

She shifted her weight and began to head for the door but was stopped by the feeling of a strong hand around her wrist. Chakotay spun her towards him and, with an intensity that surprised them both, kissed her hard and full on the lips.


	3. Chapter 3

**Excalibur**

"I'm not sure how much you know about my past, Admiral." As Captain Andris spoke, she motioned to the small sofa that took up a fair amount of space in her quarters-slash-ready room aboard the Excalibur.

Admiral Janeway sat and leaned forward to lightly touch a beautifully handcrafted coffee table that sat before them. "Not much, I'm afraid," Janeway admitted. "Only what we discussed before you resigned. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone more, assuming I'm allowed to remain with the fleet."

Andris nodded. "Did you know that Captain Chakotay and I graduated from the academy together?"

Janeway raised an eyebrow. "No, I didn't."

"He'll never admit it, but I'm the only reason he passed Namimby's "Tactical Analysis" course Junior year.

"You're right, he'd never admit that." Janeway broke a smile. "I didn't realize you two had a…. history."

Andris knew the Admiral's words were chosen carefully to imply that Janeway was in fact, very interested in how much "history" the two had shared. Andris wanted to set her mind at ease quickly.

"We were fast friends. Practically inseparable our last two years. Chakotay was like that great big brother that always had my back." She noticed Janeway subconsciously relax a bit.

"Our first assignments split us up but a few years later we were assigned to the Heritage together. I won't lie, we had a lot of fun. Probably more than we should have."

Janeway started to think back, but nowhere in her recollection could she remember Chakotay ever mentioning his relationship with Andris. _I guess there is still a lot we don't know about each other_ , she thought.

"Might I assume he is the reason you decided to come back?" 

"Yes. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since he left Starfleet to join the Maquis. Then, a few months ago, he showed up at my door."

"I wondered just what it would take to bring you back to Starfleet," Janeway said.

Andris smiled. "Chakotay can be convincing. As I'm sure you know."

Janeway nodded in return and settled back into her seat. "That he can be. I'm glad you agreed. You're clearly a very valuable member of the fleet."

"Thank you, I hope to be," Andris said, secretly wondering if after this conversation she would still be a member of the fleet at all.

"Is your reinstatement going well?" Janeway asked, hoping to move things along. She was beginning to wonder if the Captain called her over just to make small talk.

"It's been an adjustment." Andris admitted. "Excalibur is a remarkable vessel and I couldn't ask for better officers. But she's rather cramped."

"So I've noticed. I look forward to touring her. I'm not very familiar with Defiant-class."

"Our crew has been rotating time on the other ships for recreation and to stretch our legs a bit."

"Smart," Janeway agreed, she couldn't help but feel antsy, there were still so many things requiring her attention. "Is there something that you needed from me, Captain?"

"Just for you to listen to a story." Janeway cocked her head as the other woman began.

"One afternoon, about a month ago, Chakotay invited me over to Voyager. He was thoughtful enough to remember that it was the third anniversary of Sam's death." She smiled faintly at the memory. "He practically insisted on a few rounds of Velocity. Then we took a walk in the woods. I think he was trying to distract me." Andris's demeanor grew a little more serious.

"We went back to his quarters for dinner."

Janeway's felt her breath catch in her throat, though her face didn't betray any emotion.

"Chakotay and I spent most of the evening reminiscing about you and Sam. We kept trying to bring the conversation around to the more pleasant memories, but somehow we found ourselves right back at the senselessness of it all." Andris steeled herself and met Janeway's eyes. "A few bottles of wine later, I suggested that he and I might find comfort in each others company. In a less than innocent meaning of the phrase."

Janeway was unable to find words to either urge her to continue or to demand that she stop talking all together. Her ears betrayed a slight buzz.

"It was my idea. Not his." Andris watched her closely for signs that she should continue but was met with a blank, emotionless stare. "Please, don't mistake his actions as wavering in his devotion to you. It was a moment of weakness.  It was never going to be anything more than that."

Janeway's gaze shifted past Andris's shoulder out to the stars. She could tell the Admiral was doing her best to stay composed, but she had just one more thing to say.

"He's going to tell you tonight. Chakotay loves you and it's killing him that this is going to hurt you," Andris offered in a last desperate attempt to undo some of the damage she had just done.

Janeway took a deep breath and stood. She straightened her tunic and Andris rose to meet her. Face to face the women stood at near attention. "Are there going to be any problems with you and Captain Chakotay serving together?" Janeway asked plainly.

"No, Ma'am."

"Will you have any qualms about serving under me, should I remain Fleet Commander?"

"No, Ma'am. I trust you to be objective to the end."

Janeway nodded, called for a transport and was gone. Then, and only then, did Helen Andris take a breath.

* * *

**VOYAGER**

It had been a long day. When Chakotay finally found himself in the corridor leading to his quarters he was mentally and physically spent. A great many people and a wide range of issues had demanded his attention before they could move on to their next mission. He was, however, mildly thankful for the distraction they provided in light of the action he knew he had to take this evening. He still had a half an hour to shower, change and meet Kathryn for dinner. Half an hour to figure out what to say.

He expected this would be incredibly difficult. What he didn't expect was that she would be waiting for him.

He found her sitting in the dim light of his quarters, looking out at the stars. She didn't turn when he entered, though her posture betrayed her mood. She seemed, even in the darkness, beaten.

"Kathryn?" he asked. "Are you alright?" Suddenly aware that she may be experiencing unforeseen side-effects from her recent reincarnation, he moved quickly across the room. "Computer…"

"Don't," she said firmly. And he stopped dead, about five paces from her, the lights still dim.

_She knows._ He thought. _Spirits, she knows._ _But how? How could she possibly…._

"I visited Excalibur today," she said, matter-of-factly.

_No. No. Please, no._

"Captain Andris is an….interesting woman." Janeway turned slowly in her seat and faced him, her posture now straight.

Chakotay swallowed hard. "Yes."

Silence hung in the air. A voice screamed inside Chakotay's head. _Say something. Anything!_

"I didn't realize you two were so well acquainted," Janeway stated, emotionless.

_Don't just stare at her, say SOMETHING._ But alas, the words would not come.

"I guess this explains why we didn't….why you wouldn't…." She hung slightly on her words and Chakotay thought back to the last few nights spent holding each other close but nothing more. He couldn't allow it until the truth had been aired. And it was easy to avoid, she was still having nightmares, still very tired. She knew he was holding back, but she didn't know why.

"I was upset, at first," Kathryn continued. "But then it occurred to me that I really can't judge you."

Chakotay was suddenly noticeable of his breath, or considerable lack thereof, and realized if he didn't concentrate on breathing he would soon pass out.

"We never spoke of our intentions for an exclusive relationship. And, I was dead. Right?" She went on, evenly. "I'm pretty sure that there aren't many precedents for this sort of thing."

The voice inside his head boomed again. _Make it right. MAKE. IT. RIGHT._ "Kathyrn," he choked finally. _Good job, you said her name._

"I want to hear it from you," she said a little too calmly. "I believe you owe me that much."

Chakotay finally found his voice, shaky as it was. "It was about a month ago, we had spent the day together." He paused when Kathryn started shaking her head.

"Not the act. The intent.  I need to hear why, Chakotay. And exactly what this woman means to you."

Her voice, speaking his name with such distrust. Such cold disassociation. She was slipping away from him and he needed a way to hold fast but he also had to be honest. "Helen means a great deal to me Kathryn," he admitted. "She was, and is now, one of my closest friends. But I don't love her. Not in that way."

Kathryn didn't so much as blink.

"As for the why?  We were both grieving. And very lonely. She still is. You don't know what your death did to me. You can't possibly imagine…"

"I don't need to imagine, I've been in your place before. But you have to understand, for me, those 14 months didn't pass. By my internal clock, you and I should be meeting in Venice right about now."

Chakotay's memories took him back to that horrible day. The day when he sat, waiting in eager anticipation for the love of his life, his future, his everything. And instead he was met with news of her death. "No." He said flatly. "We should have met in Venice over a year ago. I remember. I was there."

Kathryn was caught off-guard. She hadn't yet gotten around to asking how exactly he had found out about her death. But now she knew. "You…. You went?" She wavered slightly, her voice revealing the first true emotion since he found her in his quarters.

"It doesn't matter now."

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have found out that way," she demurred.

"We're getting off of the topic." He said, fortifying himself, finally sure of what he needed to say. As her strength waned, his solidified.

"You were asking about Helen, about what she means to me. But what you didn't ask was how I feel when I'm around her."

Kathryn looked up at him, unsure.

"You didn't ask if my palms start to sweat when she's near. If, when I see her across a room, I find myself slowly drowning in the possibilities for our future together."

Confident in the newfound strength of his words, Chakotay began moving closer to the sofa. "If I had prayed to the spirits every single day since I met her for the strength to keep her safe and a single chance to win her heart. If, when I'm away from her, I crave her scent, her touch, with every fiber of my being."

Chakotay sat next to Kathryn but did not touch her. "You didn't ask, when I found out that I had lost her…..if I suffocated under a weight so heavy I knew I would die." His voice started to waver, his eyes suddenly stinging. "And when she was finally brought back to me, I was sure that I had."

"Chakotay…" she whispered.

"The answer to those questions is no, Kathryn. I feel those things only for you."

Tentatively at first, she inched closer to him. She could feel his warmth radiating and he put his strong arms around her. They sat, still, but holding each other for a long while.

After a time he asked softly, "Are we okay?"

There was a pause. And then she said the most wonderful thing he had ever heard.

"We will be."


	4. Chapter 4

**Quirinal – Three Days Later**

Admiral Janeway burst into Quirinal's senior briefing room. "What happened?" She demanded before even sitting down. She glanced hurriedly at the meeting attendees with a quick nod to acknowledge their presence. Captain Andris sat just to the left of the center of the table, flanked by Fleet Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres and Excalibur's chief engineer, Lt. Max Jenkins. Also present were Quirinal's captain, Regina Farkas and chief engineer, Lt. Phinnegan Bryce.

Captain Andris folded her hands on the table and began. "We were testing a handful of new maneuvers. We've had less practice with our slipstream drive than the other fleet vessels and wanted to try a few things. We were wrapping up the day with a test that would allow us to automate coming out of slipstream and directly into a cloaked configuration." Andris looked at Torres and motioned for her to continue.

"We plotted a course about 100 light years away, right here, where you found us," Torres explained. "The plan was that when Excalibur emerged from the slipstream, we would have a five-second margin in which to engage the cloak then pull away at warp six. The end goal would be to reduce this margin to roughly 0.005 seconds so that even if someone was waiting right at the end of the tunnel their sensors would barely register anything exiting the stream." Torres motioned to one of the computer screens on the wall and walked over to continue her explanation. "This test run was only meant to gather safety data so we could build it into the automated subroutines. And in hindsight, I'm really glad we didn't push it."

"Everything was within normal tolerances, but for some reason when we emerged from the stream and engaged the cloak….well, this happened." She touched the screen to begin a playback. What followed was a graphical representation of power-flow of critical ships systems. "Here we are emerging from the slipstream. Then in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1."

A loud gasp was heard emanating from Lt. Bryce as he watched the power flow to all systems spike instantaneously off the charts and then drop to nothing. Having been aboard Quirinal at the time, he didn't have the honor of witnessing the disaster first-hand. The simulation ended and Torres took her seat.

"What is the current status of Excalibur?" Janeway asked.

This time, Lt. Jenkins chimed in. "We've completely fried both our slipstream drive and our cloaking device, Admiral," he replied. "Emergency power is running right now to maintain life-support and I could probably eke out half-impulse for about ten minutes. But all of the power couplings along the port-nacelle were damaged. We're not able not able to maintain a stable warp field."

Janeway sighed. "Anyone have some good news?"

"Yeah, they didn't completely blow up," Farkas interjected, half under her breath.

"Very true," Torres agreed. "And, there were no serious injuries. If we had tried that with a 2-second delay instead of 5, you'd be having this conversation without us."

"So what now?" Janeway asked.

Torres retook her seat and folder her hands in front of her to explain. "We looked at the possibility of repairing Excalibur's slipstream drive, but it would be a pretty tough undertaking in the Delta quadrant. We just don't have the resources out here to replace all of the components they've damaged. And, they've lost the ability to recrystallize their benamite. Even if we could get the drive working again it wouldn't be as energy efficient as we'd need. They'd burn through their reserves in half the distance back to the Alpha Quadrant."

Lt. Jenkins picked up the rest of the status. "The cloaking device is another matter, I'm not sure we can repair that out here at all.  We're looking at taking her back to the shipyards. They should be able to have us up and running in about three weeks."

"So who gets to be an escort?" Farkas asked.

Janeway looked to Torres. "Could Galen create a large enough stream for Excalibur to ride behind?"

Torres nodded, "Yes. If it were any of the other vessels, I'd say no. But Excalibur is still much smaller than Galen. She'll have to follow close and it might be a bumpy ride, but she'll make it."

"Regardless of the escort, we have to get her warp-worthy and back on main power. That will take at least two days," Jenkins finished.

"Do it," Janeway said. "Galen was just ordered to report back to the Alpha Quadrant. I'll inform Starfleet that she'll be a day late, but I won't make them wait any longer than that. The Doctor's presence was urgently requested."

Torres turned to Captain Farkas. "Can I borrow Phinn for the next couple days?" she asked.

"He's all yours, just make sure I get him back." Farkas replied, winking at Lt. Bryce.

"Anything else?" Janeway asked, glancing around. "Dismissed."

The conference room began to empty out when Janeway glanced to Captain Andris. The captain, who had been noticeably silent during the briefing, lingered in her seat for a moment. She ran a frustrated hand through her hair and retied her hairband, staring at the PADD in front of her. Janeway could tell she was doing her best to temper disappointment. She remembered all too well what it felt like to have a dead vessel under her feet.

"I sincerely hope you didn't scuttle your ship to avoid more awkward conversations with me, Captain." Janeway said, a wry smile playing on her lips.

"I assure you Admiral, I had neither of those things on my agenda for today." Andris replied dryly.

"Good, because as it is I've been recalled to Starfleet Headquarters along with Galen. But now I think I'd like to travel on Excalibur."

Andris appeared a bit startled. _This just keeps getting better and better_ , she thought. "As long as you don't mind sharing a room. We have one female bunk available." Andris replied, then reconsidered her words. "Of course, you're welcome to my quarters if you'd rather."

"That won't be necessary, bunking sounds like it is part of the experience."

"I'm sure Lieutenant M'Taak will agree, Admiral."

The weight of Andris's burden hung in the air like a heavy cloud. "I'm sorry about your ship, Captain," Janeway offered.

Andris smiled meekly, "Thank you ma'am. I know we'll have her back in top shape soon enough. I just thought….I thought she should be able to handle that maneuver. It bothers me."

"Excalibur is still new to you. What happened today was a drop in the bucket compared to the paces we put Voyager through in its first year, you'll get the hang of her."

"I appreciate the vote of confidence, I intend to squeeze out every drop of potential."

"By the time you return to the Delta Quadrant I want a detailed report on what went wrong and how to make sure it doesn't happen again. The maneuver you were attempting will prove very useful out here. You'll have plenty of time for simulations while you wait for repairs."

Andris nodded with a slightly renewed sense of confidence peeking though. She gathered her PADDs and stood to leave but Janeway hadn't moved. "Is there anything else Admiral?"

"Have you spoken with Chakotay?"

Andris took a deep breath, somewhat surprised by the personal turn the conversation just took. "No."

"I know there is a lot requiring your attention in the next couple of days, but you should make the time. Voyager will be arriving within the hour." The Admiral began to walk away.

"Is that an order, ma'am?"

Janeway looked back over her shoulder, the conference room door already yawning open in front of her. "It's a friendly suggestion."

* * *

**Voyager**

Chakotay had a veritable mountain of PADDs to review before deciding what Voyager's next mission should be and he didn't feel like looking at a single one of them. He had already been at his desk for an hour and found himself reading the same thing over and over. His mind constantly wandered to the fact that Kathryn would soon be leaving for the Alpha Quadrant and he wasn't sure when or even if, she would be coming back.

The sudden chirp from his ready-room door startled him from his not-so-pleasant meanderings.

"Come," he said, expecting Tom Paris.

He was surprised, to say the least, when _she_ entered.

"Captain Andris," he said flatly.

She stopped just inside the doorway. "Have a minute?"

Chakotay motioned to a chair in front of his desk but didn't get up.

She sat, silently, gazing at her folded hands. Her uniform was lightly soiled, her hair ever-so-slightly disheveled from its customary ponytail. Evidence of a day's worth of hands-on repair work.

Chakotay cleared his throat. "I'm sorry about your ship," he offered.

Helen shrugged.

"Can I get you something?" he asked, suddenly feeling his mouth was very dry.

"No, thank you. I'm not going to stay long.  To be honest, I'm not really sure why I'm here."

"Oh?"

"The Admiral suggested I stop by before we leave," Helen admitted.

"Ah."

"Are you mad at me?" Her meek tone was one that Chakotay had rarely, if ever, heard her use. She reminded him of a child brought before a parent for punishment. He suddenly felt very badly for her.

"No…. I'm not mad," he admitted, softening a bit. "I think I want to be, but I know why you did what you did."

"Really? Because I'm not sure I do.  Maybe I should have stayed out of your business. I just didn't want you to have to take the fall alone."

"I know. And as it turns out, you were right," he admitted. "Hearing from you first gave Kathryn time to process things. She understood, at least on some level. We'll be fine."

Helen gave a sigh of relief. "Good."

"I hear the Admiral is travelling with you," he said, deliberately changing the topic.

Helen nodded. "Yes. She gave up private quarters on Galen in favor of bunking with one of my Klingon officers." She smiled slightly. "Do you think she's spying on me?"

"I think she's going to try to see what makes you tick, she wants to witness the command style of all the Captains. And, get to know your crew." Chakotay's demeanor turned playful. "At least that's what I'm telling myself."

Helen smirked. "And maybe to learn some of your other secrets along the way?"

"Helen…" He growled in a low-warning voice.

"It's a three-day trip Chakotay. Telling her about our mission to Antares would pass the time nicely," she teased.

His eyes shot open wide. "You wouldn't dare!"

Helen smiled broadly and made a motion across her chest. "Cross my heart, I won't breathe a word." She stood to take her leave. "Need anything from home?"

Chakotay thought for a moment. "Just get her there safely, okay?"

Helen nodded. "I will."


	5. Chapter 5

**Excalibur - 2 days later**

Pain seared through Captain Andris's left arm and down the side of her body. Her first waking thought was that the room was spinning.

"Stay still." Andris heard, though she couldn't quite place the voice.

The miniscule room, or was it a closet, slowly regained its composure. Andris was glad not to have the sensation of moving anymore. Now if her ears would just stop ringing. Opening her eyes slowly, she realized that her ears weren't deceiving her. Red-alert klaxons were blaring. "What happened?" she groaned.

"I'm not sure. But the turbolift isn't working and communications must be down too," the voice said.

"Admiral?" Memories of entering the 'lift from Deck 4 started to resurface. Janeway had joined her at Deck 3.

Kneeling beside the captain, Janeway tried her best to do a cursory examination in the midst of pulsing light. She noticed a large bruise forming on Andris's forehead.

"Are you okay?" Andris asked softly.

"I'm fine. But you're not. I think you have a concussion," Janeway said, looking into the woman's eyes.

"Ugh. I feel like my head bounced off the wall," she said, finding her voice.

"It did. And your arm broke when you hit the ground." Only then did Andris register the warm trickling feeling of blood dripping down her fingers and the searing pain that accompanied it.

"We have to get out of here," said Janeway, standing to open the turbolift control panel. She fiddled with a few controls but nothing happened.

"Transporters and sensors must be down or they would have gotten us by now."

"Agreed. We're going to have to help ourselves. Can you stand?"

Andris nodded and took the Admiral's hand with her good side. Leaning against the wall, the Captain waited for equilibrium to grace her with its presence. She choked back the nauseating feeling that emanated from her arm and permeated every cell in her body.

Janeway grabbed the manual handles and stuck them to either side of the lift doors, she then pried them open. As luck would have it, they were only about a half meter from the next deck.

"We're on Deck 2." Andris said as Janeway helped her up the large step. "I need to make it to the bridge." She was cradling her arm at its very awkward angle, trying to ignore the stabbing sensation.

"I think you should get to sickbay.  I'll go to the bridge and find out what's going on."

"With all due respect, Admiral, this is my ship. My arm can wait. I need you in Engineering in case they need help."

"It's not your arm I'm concerned about Captain, you took a nasty blow to the head you could be bleeding."

Andris stopped dead in her steps. "If this were Voyager, would you go to sickbay?"

Janeway thought, then finally conceded. "No."

"Then unless you're ordering me, get out of my way. I'll contact Engineering as soon as I can."

Janeway stepped aside then watched as Andris broke into a painful run down the corridor and out of sight.

* * *

Admiral Janeway found Engineering on Deck 2 pretty much as she expected it. A blur of crewmen were running in different directions and shouting at each other. Luckily, no one seemed to be seriously injured. She found Lt. Jenkins in the midst of the choking haze. "What happened?" She shouted over the sounds of gas venting and klaxons.

"We got knocked out of the stream Admiral," the Lieutenancy replied.

_Warning. Warp Core Breach in eight minutes, thirty seconds._

"What can I do?" Janeway shouted.

Jenkins cupped his hands around his mouth so she could hear through the commotion. "Try to get a com-line open to the bridge. I need them to release navigation and sensor controls to me. I think we're rolling but I can't tell how badly." Janeway nodded and went quickly to do just that.

* * *

Running didn't hurt Captain Andris's arm nearly as much as she thought it would, but climbing up the Jefferies tube ladder was excruciatingly hard. _At least it's just one deck_ , she thought. _Maybe a small ship isn't such a bad thing._ The sleeve of her uniform was now soaked in blood and she tried not to look at the way the fabric unnaturally bent around what she knew to be a compound fracture.

She reached the door to the bridge but it didn't slide open like it should. "Dammit," she swore. There was no way she would be able to pry it apart with one dead arm. Raising a fist she began to bang on the door. Andris was just starting to consider other options for gaining access when it creaked open.

"Captain." Lt. M'Taak, her rather formidable Klingon tactical officer, was able to get the door halfway apart.

"Report." Andris demanded, stepping onto the darkened bridge.

Commander Miller, her first officer, replied without looking up from his console. "We've been knocked out of slipstream. We've lost all main power. Communications, sensors, navigation, the whole package. This time it wasn't our fault, something happened on Galen. They should be nearby but we can't find them blind."

"We worry about ourselves first," Andris ordered. Miller finally glanced up at the Captain and winced when he saw her arm. Maybe it was the pulsing red light but he swore she looked awfully pale. His concern for her health evaporated when the computer interrupted his train of thought.

_Warning. Warp Core Breach in eight minutes._

"I'm trying to get a line open to lower engineering," Miller advised.

"Give control of whatever we have left to them. Maybe they can prevent having to dump the core."

"Ensign," Andris said pointing to her science officer. "Go to upper engineering.  You're our new com-system." The ensign nodded and moved to the back of the bridge through the small corridor and disappeared.

Andris grabbed M'Taak by the arm and pulled her across the bridge. "Open it," she ordered, pointing to her ready room door. M'Taak looked confused. "I need a window." The Lieutenant complied and once the room was visible, the Captain's instincts were confirmed. They were rolling, hard to port and extremely fast. Andris suddenly had the very real feeling of being inside a blender.

"Listen up people," she commanded and every eye turned to her. "We can't eject the core in this roll. We have to stop it somehow. I need ideas now."

"Captain!" Ensign Harbach shouted from down the corridor. "Engineering needs us to stop the roll."

_Warning. Warp Core Breach in six minutes._

"Tell them I'm open to suggestions," she shouted back.

"We have no engines, no deflector, no tractor beam, no weapons systems," Miller replied.

"Someone tell me what we do have," Andris barked.

M'Taak, back at her post, started rattling off ships systems. "We have emergency power to all four decks. Partial shields. Replicators. Photon torpedoes but no way to launch them, escape pods but we can't release them…"

Suddenly, inspiration struck. "You missed something Lieutenant." Andris shouted down the corridor. "Harbach!" A moment later the ensign appeared. "Have engineering route all available power, life-support, everything to the shuttlebay and tell Admiral Janeway to meet me there."

"I thought you were supposed to go down with the ship," Miller quipped.

"Not today. M'Taak, with me."

Still cradling her throbbing arm, Andris led M'Taak, her personal door-opener, to the shuttle bay. When she arrived, Janeway was already waiting. "I hope you're not planning to leave, Captain."

"Not quite."

Andris moved to the shuttle-bay door control panel. "Watch your stomachs." While avoiding eye-contact with the centrifuging stars, she quickly filled Janeway and M'Taak in on the details of her plan.

_Warning. Warp core breach in three minutes._

A few moments later, Janeway, with Andris in the second seat, had maneuvered the shuttle to the very edge of the bay doors, yawed forty-five degrees to starboard. M'Taak took all the power available to the shuttlebay to erect a blanketing Level 10 force field over the shuttle's roof and nose, crudely, but effectively tying the shuttle to the floor. Then, as ordered, she left the bay.

"Almost done with the calculations, Admiral. Dammit it I need my other hand."

"Let me," Janeway jumped in.

"Computer, display aft camera on viewscreen," said Andris. "We have about 45 seconds," she advised calmly.

"Got it."

"Hangar door force field has been released," Andris confirmed.

Janeway tapped the computer panel to initiate thrusters. "Hold on," she warned. The shuttle shook and shuddered, fighting the force field as they waited for Excalibur's momentum to start to slow. "Hold, hold, hold…." Andris whispered, quietly willing the field to remain intact just a little longer. She knew full well that if it failed they would slam into the shuttlebay wall. Not that it would matter because seconds later the warp core would explode.

"Cutting engines in 3, 2, 1." Janeway tapped the console and the shuttle stopped its angry shaking and came back to rest on the floor.

From the viewscreen they watched Excalibur's warp core as it was ejected behind them. It was the last thing Andris saw before everything went dark.

* * *

"Doctor Chen?" Janeway called across the sickbay. "I think she's coming around."

Andris groaned and the thin, grey-haired gentleman made his way to her bedside.

"Try not to move too quickly," the Doctor said. She blinked a few times and the room around her came into focus.

"What…." But her voice was only a whisper.

"Welcome back Captain," Janeway said. Andris felt a warm hand on her shoulder. Memories came flooding through her.

"My ship!" she exclaimed, sitting up abruptly and then instantly regretting it.

"Excalibur and your crew are fine," Janeway assured, holding the captain steady.

"Ooooh…." Andris moaned and laid back down. She gently felt her arm, grateful it was no longer broken. "How long was I out?"

"Five days," Dr. Chen answered, waving a medical tricorder over her.

"Five days?" Andris was shocked. "Why?"

"You had a severe concussion that lead to cranial swelling," he replied. "I had to induce a coma to let things settle down a bit. You gave us a scare the second day, but you'll be fine now." Andris tilted her head to the side for the Doctor to administer a hypospray. "That should help with your headache."

Andris turned to the Admiral. "What happened to Galen? Where are we now?"

"Galen, was fine after a few minor repairs. Seems we have a systemic slipstream issue but it has been resolved. And we are almost home, about four hours from dry dock, under tow."

"The core?"

"Gone."

"Fantastic," Andris sighed. "Two months in and I lose a slipstream drive, a cloaking device and a warp core. I'm starting to this think ship is a lemon." Andris tried sitting up again, this time much more slowly.

Janeway patted her on the back then turned to the doctor. "Am I correct in assuming she will be released soon?"

Dr. Chen nodded. "Within the hour."

"Come find me when you're done here," she requested. Then the Admiral took her leave to the hallway.

Andris sighed. _What that woman must think of me, I don't even want to fathom_.

"You might be surprised," Dr. Chen replied. "I can tell you exactly what she thinks of you, if you'd like."

"Isn't that a breach of Betazoid protocol?"

"I don't need to be empathic to know she was genuinely concerned for your well being."

Andris snorted.

"I don't think she would have left ship operations to your First Officer and held vigil by your bedside for the last five days if she wasn't."

"You're kidding me." Andris deadpanned.

Dr. Chen raised a questioning eyebrow. "This surprises you? She gave me the impression that you were friends."

Andris considered his words. "Let's just say, the Admiral and I got off to a rocky start."

"Well at the very least she respects you. She remarked several times on your innovative thinking, calm under pressure and extremely high tolerance for pain."

"Doctor, I can't even tell you how much this thing hurt," Andris confirmed, rubbing her still slightly-tender arm.

"You don't have to. I had a compound fracture once. Rock climbing. I blacked out after two minutes. Combined with the blow to the head, I still can't quite believe you managed as long, and productively, as you did."

The doctor handed her a fresh, folded uniform.

"By the by," he continued. "The Admiral was also quite insistent that you remain for treatment on Excalibur instead of being transferred to Galen, which honestly would have been a better spot for your recovery. She said you would want to 'stay with your ship.'"

At that, Andris smiled. "She was right."

"Of course she was. You two are far more alike than you care to admit."

_If you only knew._ Andris thought. Then she barred herself from any further reminiscing while in his presence.


	6. Chapter 6

**Excalibur - 1 Hour Later**

The computer had advised Captain Andris that she could find Admiral Janeway in the mess hall, and that she was alone. The few crew members Andris has passed along the way expressed their relief that she had recovered and their gratitude for getting them out of what had apparently been nicknamed "the Death Roll." She in turn thanked them for keeping things in order while she was out of commission.

Andris found the Admiral sipping what she could only assume would be coffee, from a silver mug in the corner of the small hall.

"Captain, please. Have a seat." Janeway rose and motioned to the replicator. "Can I get you something?"

"I'll take a hot tea, no sugar. Thank you," she replied and sat across from Janeway's place at the table.

Janeway handed the steaming mug to Andris and also sat a plate of fruit between them. "That was quite an inspired little maneuver you led us through the other day. If it weren't in flagrant violation of about twenty different safety protocols I might petition Starfleet to name it after you. As it is, the best I can do is request a commendation."

"I appreciate it ma'am, but I really don't think that's necessary," she breathed in her tea.

"All in a day's work, eh?"

Andris shrugged. "Thank you for helping me save Excalibur, Admiral."

"Glad to. But, let's dispense with formalities for now. Call me Kathryn."

Andris raised an eyebrow. Something within her finally started to crack. Maybe it was the pressure of the last few days, or the overwhelming guilt she felt in the Admiral's presence since their conversation a week ago. One thing was certain, there was air to be cleared and now was her chance.

"Ok, Kathryn. Since we're on a first-name basis, I'm going to speak freely."

"Of course."

"You've surprised me."

Kathryn set her mug down. "How so?"

"Well, to be frank, I don't think there are many people who could learn of an indiscretion such as mine and move on as completely as you seem to have done."

Kathryn considered her words. "If being dead….that's a funny phrase isn't it? If being dead has taught me anything, it's that living in the present is much more important than living in the past. I don't intend on losing more time if I can help it." For a fleeting moment Helen saw what she needed in Kathryn's eyes. She was a woman, softer somehow. More than the sum of her uniform and experiences alone. She understood compromise and she understood forgiveness of others. Despite this, Helen couldn't help but wonder if either of them would ever truly forgive themselves.

Kathryn stabbed lightly at the fruit on the plate. "Besides, I've never been much for jealousy," she mused. "Revenge, on the other hand…."

The tension broke like a delicate ornament and Helen chuckled. "So you _have_ been sabotaging my ship."

Kathryn broke into a wide smile. "Clearly."

"Now let me ask you something Helen."

"Shoot."

"How did you and Sam manage to keep your relationship a secret for what…five years?"

"Six actually," Helen smiled. "It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that. We were almost discovered more than a few times. It became kind of fun in a way. We had a risky little secret. And it helped bind us together in the tough times. We couldn't show we loved each other, and we also couldn't show when we were mad at each other. A delicate balance." She sipped her drink.

"But surely you spent a lot of time together, didn't people start to put two and two together?"

Helen's face betrayed a wry smile. "Oh, you want the big secret."

Janeway leaned in a little closer.

"Well, after about a year, when we knew we were serious..." Helen paused and closed her eyes. "I can't believe I'm telling this to an Admiral."

"Don't make me order you to finish," Kathryn admonished.

Helen smiled. "I had his quarters relocated next to mine. And let's just say, the wall in between them wasn't completely solid."

Janeway broke into a wide grin. "Ingenious!"

"My brother's idea, actually."

Janeway ate another piece of her fruit, shaking her head in mild disbelief over the woman's gall, and apparent success in the face of unique circumstances.

Helen looked out the window at the stars. "Doctor Chen told me that you remained in sickbay while I was incapacitated."

"Not many other places to be. Your crew had things well in hand," Kathryn casually replied.

"You stayed with me for Chakotay, didn't you?"

"Among other reasons, yes. I just spoke with him. He's very relieved you're okay."

Helen took a sip of her tea. "He's a lucky man, Kathryn."

"Yes indeed. He has some great friends." Kathryn smiled at her and then reached for a PADD. "You should try to get some rest before we arrive. Here is my report and the reports of your senior staff in case you're like me and hate resting."

Helen took it and thanked her. "Any chance you have a layover at Utopia?" she asked, standing up to leave.

"Actually, my transport doesn't depart for Earth until tomorrow."

"Would you join me for dinner? There's someone I'd like you to meet."

"That would be nice, thank you," Kathryn accepted. "Is this person a friend of yours?"

"My brother, actually. Tom. He's an engineer and if you think that shuttle maneuver was fun, you should hear some of his stories. My holographic wall barely scratches the surface of his repertoire."

Kathryn nodded. "I'd like that very much."

Helen continued on her way out the door. A mischievous twinkle appeared in her eye as she looked back to address the Admiral again before leaving.

"Actually, Tom served with Chakotay and me for a time. Be sure to ask him about our mission to Antares."

 

_end_

 

* * *

_**Reviews inspire and are always appreciated.** _

 


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